Performance Fears And Being Honest With Myself

Next Thursday I have my recital as part of my performance module for uni.

Woohoo I finally get to perform again after so long!

Oh no wait. I am actually dreading it. I haven't dread a performance more than this one. I think it is because of who extremely unprepared I feel for it. Being a pop singer I felt quite reserved being given a jazz teacher and being made to sing traditional jazz songs for my performance. After what would probably be 8 or 9 months I still feel like a complete outsider to the world of jazz singing. It is not me and it is not what I like to do. This has really made me re-evaluate what I am aiming for in my future career. 

Recently the thought of performing as a solo artist just brings fear to me. I feel like I've lost all my self-confidence with performing, I hear myself back and am not fully happy with what I hear. I mean that could be down to how I always want everything to be perfect but I still would love to think of myself as a good singer. 

I absolutely love singing. I really really do. I've been worried recently that my panic of having to sing this music I don't really have an interest in has stopped me from singing altogether. And it has. I've just shut off the whole idea and I really don't want that to happen. 

You may be asking, but Liv why did you go to a university that doesn't accommodate what you do? Well, really it does. I mean I couldn't have asked for a better first year at university, and other aspects outside performance really suit me here. I couldn't face doing a Popular Music degree. I love how well rounded my course is and how diverse the range of musicians I am working with is. 

To keep myself singing I plan to record some videos for youtube, just to keep myself singing and really for my parents to listen to. I'm thinking of doing this whilst I really think hard about whether I want to take performance further or not. Recently I feel like I have become more and more introverted and I may be shutting myself away. I am hoping this is just a phase but who knows?

This has just been one be ramble I know, but I just need to just type and type. I'm not going to go back and read what I've just written (typed) because the point of this post was so I could just say what I have to say. I've tried to talk to people about this but I don't feel like they really understand how I'm feeling about my performing at the moment, which is ok, because if I'm honest I don't really know myself. 

I'm just gonna do what I've got to do for next week, and if it is just a horrific mess, it's ok! These things happen, it's not like this performance is going to determine my future. 

Liv ♥